One Year Post-Graduation Reflection

So, it’s somehow already been a year since I graduated... I’ve always been someone who was happy with where their life was at and what I was doing with it. And especially during my time at Berkeley, I felt like I was at peak capacity. But this past year didn’t really “go to plan” – so to say. It threw curve-balls at me from every direction, but I’m not someone who’s very in tuned with my emotions so I brushed it off and never spoke to anyone about how I was feeling. A lot of things happened in my personal life that probably affected me more than I thought at the time, but again, I didn’t acknowledge those feelings because I’ve always taken the “just be strong” approach. Has it worked? I’m not so sure. I feel fine now, but then again, maybe I’m pretending to be stronger than I am.

This past year has felt a lot like nothing has worked in my favor. My plans seemed to be knocked down, and whenever I’d come up with a new one, it just fell through in the same way. I felt lost, like I was a zombie going through life day after day, not knowing or understanding what I was working towards or if there was any purpose in what I was doing.

Maybe it’s because I had too much fulfillment at Berkeley. But is that really a bad thing? Was being too happy and reaching my peak mentally just a set up for a crash? Berkeley showed me what I could be, what I should be. So far, everything I’ve done since graduating hasn’t lived up to my expectations. I thought, “If college was this great, then working and creating a life for myself is going to be so much more amazing!”

College was a bubble for sure, even if we don’t admit it. While I was constantly pushing myself out of my comfort zone and becoming the best version of myself, I was still doing it within a huge safety net. My year since graduation has been unchallenged at best, and mundane at worst.

But I’ve been given an opportunity. To go back to school, get my masters, study my passion, and live abroad in the city of my dreams. But I can’t even enjoy that because my “backup plan” (which was actually just my original plan not working out) is still hanging in the air. Without a definite yes or no, I can’t seem to fully celebrate my achievements, or become excited for my path ahead. It’s frustrating and frankly, upsetting.

But of course, my past year has been one of immense growth, too. While I haven’t found my passion or buzz quite yet, it’s definitely taught me everything I don’t want to do, or think, or feel. Maybe it’s because I was fresh out of college and ready to take on the world with so much energy and effort to give, that I simply refused to settle. I continue to refuse to believe that this is all the world has to give me. I’m not sure if I believe in destiny or fate. Sometimes I say that ‘what’s meant to be will be,’ but I also think that we sometimes use that as an excuse to be complacent with our lives. To not pursue change with invigorating passion, especially when we feel stuck or seem out of options.

I think, after all that, I might just need to thank Berkeley. It changed me so much in ways that I could never fully describe with words. It brought me so much happiness, and proved to me that passion and perseverance, and determination do exist in this world – and they exist for me, too. I just have to keep seeking it. If one thing doesn’t work out, then it’s not a failure. It’s just one less thing to chase after or understand, pushing me closer to where I need and want to be.

I will hold on to the energy and hunger to do more that I left Berkeley with. And I will use it to find my niche in this world. To wake up with vigor and excitement for each day, and to live every single minute to its fullest. I’m not quite there yet, but I have a sneaky feeling that it’ll start to change very soon.